Outward Bound - The Closing Chapter

The past four days have been brimmed with a kaleidoscope of emotions.

Now that it was over, I did not know whether to feel excited or emotional.

Time seemed to pass slowly as we packed our stuff into the stores, with each moment being a precious trickle of draining time we have left.

***

This course let me open my eyes to some of my peers around, to see them for who they really are, and not based on stereotypes.

Some people whom I thought were worth admiring, were not so much after I have experienced this with them, and made me realise that they are just self-centered.

Others have let me changed my opinions of them for the better.

Ananya seemed like a really good friend to me for these days, when I was alone and the only company I had was my shadow.

At the jetty when it was about to depart, Cheng Ho sat around in a circle to share apologies and thanks. I believe I could express myself well, only not in an impromptu, so I got pretty stunned and said something rather stupid and for the rest of the time until we boarded the boat, depressed.

"Thank you everyone and sorry everyone"

I mean, I was pretty under a lot of stress then, especially when the instructor kept on emphasising on how important it is the share reflections, and not being selfish to share thoughts et cetera.

But that was something I did not believe in. Some feelings of ours is best kept secret, and if not even oneself can be the shelter under which this seeks refuge, wouldn't the world be a such terrible place where everyone of us knows what the other is thinking?

People thinking about crimes would have been caught before they acted. This reminds me of a movie - Minority Report.

Prophets were able to detect imminent crimes that were about to happen, and thus the would-be perpetrators were arrested. Problem was that those caught haven't done anything yet. Not even being given the chance to turn back.

What a world it would be if everyone could see each others' minds.

That stupid statement I made was simply a passing statement I bought time with, however still, I could not make more words come out of my mouth. I was waiting for me to get reprimanded at just like I was while doing the DDD, but nothing happened. I felt worst, it is like people had given up on this quiet sensitive word-watching brat.

I bought a shirt and a bottle. They were quite nice. Once I boarded the bus, the world of Outward Bound with its painful memories were like being left behind. Painful as in the normal painful, in addition, the painful memories of losing happy memories. I was glad to be on my way back home.

Music-Part 1

I have listened to these songs as a kid, and have thus developed a liking for them. I find the music quite nice, and the lyrics are, I would not say meaningful, but at least well-written.

All Alone I Have Started My Journey
To The Darkness Of Darkness I Go
With A Reason,I Stopped For A Moment
In This World Full Of Pleasure So Frail
Town After Town On I Travel
Pass Through Faces I Know And Know Not
Like A Bird In Flight,Sometimes I Topple
Time And Time Again,Just Farewells
Donde Voy,Donde Voy
Day By Day,My Story Unfolds
Solo Estoy,Solo Estoy
All Alone As The Day I Was Born
Till Your Eyes Rest In Mine,I Shall Wander
No More Darkness I Know And Know Not
For Your Sweetness I Traded My Freedom
Not Knowing A Farewell Awaits
You Know,Heaers Can Be Repeatedly Broken
Making Room For The Harrows To Come
Along With My Sorrows I Buried
My Tears,My Smiles,Your Name
Donde Voy,Donde Voy
Songs Of Lovetales I Sing Of No More
Solo Estoy,Solo Estoy
Once Again with My Shadows I Roam
Donde Voy,Donde Voy
All Alone As The Day I Was Born
Solo Estoy,Solo Estoy
Still Alone with My Shadows I Roam

Now this is a very cryee song. It was the very first non-children song i learnt to sing.



An environmental song.



heard some music being played today
I heard a song but the words were wrong
It doesn't matter to me anyway
Some people really don't care what they say

I started looking at the sky today
'Cause it's so deep and so far away
I've got too many things inside my head
I wish that I could be up there instead

(chorus)
No one was meant to be
Living here in this concrete sea
Everyone including me
Wishes that we could be set free

Then I looked into the ocean blue
It's so deep and it's so quiet too
There's just too many people everwhere
I wish that I was down there

(chorus)
No one was meant to be
Living here in this concrete sea
Everyone including me
Wishes that we could be set free

I heard a story being told today
about a man and just how he got away
You got to leave the things you grow up for
So duck your head and swim for shore

(chorus)
No one was meant to be
Living here in this concrete sea
Everyone including me
Wishes that we could be set free



A song which start really airy and with an empty feeling, then builds up. Please ignore that guy's face



A shadow in the moonlight, here she comes to me,
We sit and talk about it all,
And out in the distance, a dream is over,
All I've been working for,

This is not how I want you to see me,
I have done the best I can,
Now the only thing I believe in,
Is a woman and a man;

You are the reason I'll stay in the fight
When I can't take it anymore,
You are the reason I wake in the night,
And say that I was only dreaming of it all;

And now in the dawn light, she talks with me again,
Remember all the things we've done
Been through the bad times, and we've
Seen through the sad times,
We're stronger than before;

And you picked me up when I was falling,
And you gave me back my pride,
And you listen when I am calling,
And hear the man inside;

You are the reason I'll stay in the fight,
When I can't take it anymore,
You are the reason I wake in the night,
And say that I was only dreaming of it all,
You are the reason I'll stay in the fight.

I got to know these songs from an album called Tears by qi yu a taiwanese singer. I feel lucky to still have the CD with me after so many years. More music next time.

Post-birthday post

Yesterday had been such a fufilling day for myself.

Yet today, I felt so empty.

I have known that I was never much of a shopping center and indoor related activities person.

Ben, Gen, Cmc, Jk, Chlit, Dillon and I were supposed to go cycling today. The moment I woke up, I felt the cool breeze and fresh smell of rain. Yup, it is raining no doubt. I really hoped that the rain would just stop. And later it did! I asked my mum whether I would be allowed to cycle on wet ground if I was careful. She agreed. Everything in the morning was just going so perfectly fine.

Then we met at Subway in East Coast Park. Despite the wet ground, the rain was quite negligible, and would probably stop anytime soon looking at the plain clouds above. However, some people suggested that we go to a shopping center called Marina Regular Quadrileteral. And off we went. Although I really did not feel like going, I just agreed.

Now, I realise that when I say "I don't mind", I really mean "I mind" and if I really do not mind, I would say "I want to" and not "I don't mind". Just did not want to be a spoiler and go against what some people would want.

So we went bowling, and for sometime something went wrong with the left gutter such that the bowling ball kept on bouncing out of the gutter when it hit a spot.

After one game, we stopped outside k box. If there is one thing that I learned about it, is that kbox charges per person for the single room, so it would be less people better. I was quite okay with going, until I heard of the exorbitant prices of 14.50 per person. Oh man, this is way too much I would be paying to sing a few songs, which I was wrong...

Because I only sang one song - Yellow submarine, and I did not know the other songs everyone else was singing, especially the rubbish modern chinese songs which I count myself lucky to not knowing.

In the Kbox, I was rather slouchy. There was nothing excited about it and I shivered upon hearing badly written songs which includes a lot of jay chou and perverted bands songs. In it, it was like a typical free period in school where I waste my time watching the people around using their computers. Time is just being wasted as songs passed.

I left at 4:15. I started to feel guilty as I walked out of the freezing dark room. I started to regret as I walked through the shopping center to the MRT station. I shouldn't have come for this Kbox rubbish. I should have said no when I had the chance.

The MRT cruised out of the tunnels. It was a beautiful weather without rain. I have wasted many things. My time, my 14 dollars which I have not paid yet, wearing my OBS T-shirt because it was the only dry fit shirt I had at home, bringing my red bag which I like to bring out for exercising, a nice weather, the effort into finding a day which my mother allowed me to cycle, and such a good day too. Just wasted. And so I got rather irritated and sad. I felt horrible.

Some way to spend the time and money watching people sing songs I hate so much.

What would have been a nice cycle, ended up as an empty trip to Marina Regular Quadrileteral. The rain had not been too bad in the first place anyway...

Emptiness filled me all the way through the MRT ride. Only way to cure it is to make up for it by spending another day with more fufillment.

***

External factors can make you THINK that you changed your stand, but only your conscience can truely make the change.

When you take a stand (in this case I don't like Kbox), it does not guarantee you will remember about it after external factors have coaxed you into doing something(going to Kbox), so constant reminder from yourself is necessary. You might think that you have changed your mind about it, but walk out of it regretting it, and you just know that your mind has never been changed. Only what you would have done has.

Birthday Post

Today is my birthday!

First I would like to acknowledge everyone who remembered my birthday or wished me a happy birthday. It means quite a lot, and tells me that I am not forgotten by you.

-Zhang He (one day before)
-Hurberg (12 in the morning on facebook. You should get some sleep.)
-Joelle (Half an hour later via sms)
-Facebook facebook facebook: woanchyi, jens, emily(don't know you much sorry)
-wenhui on msn
-Facebook again: Dillon, Charlene, Fatinn, Cherie, Joie Tan

However I suspect that the only people who actually remembered were Zhang He, Hurberg and Joelle. The rest were either through facebook notifications or I probably "let slip" that my birthday was today.

Its nice how some people just know its your birthday, like after 3 years of not meeting, or without needing facebook urging them to click on those little birthday links under events.

I have seen my friend's walls of Happy Birthdays on their birthday, probably hundreds of them. But its so convenient to post that, sometimes I just do it without actually caring less that its their birthday. Facebook have turned these words meaningless.

***

It wasn't a very extraordinary day, but it felt special, a feeling that something had to be done today.

I did not know what, but one thing is for sure, is that I was not going waste time lying on the bed, slouch past the morning and sit in front of the computer through the afternoon.

Time is precious. It's not just my birthday everyday.

I put on my shoes and went outside. Where should I run today? No way I am going to run laps around the track again, that is utterly boring. So I decided to go around Eastern Pasir Ris like I used to quite sometime ago.

As I approached my usual turn at drive 6, I decided to push myself more. Maybe turn only at Elias road.

No thats too much. Like additional 2km. So I just turned at the Pasir Ris Town Park.

Usual road along drive 3. Boring.

Then I got tired from the extra distance I ran of turning at the park instead of drive 6. So I cut myself short and used it as an excuse to turn back into Pasir Ris st 21 early via drive 2 instead of loyang avenue.

By the time the run was over, my shirt soaked up all my sweat. And it was a white cotton shirt, which turned very cold and sticky and stuck to my chest and turned flesh colour when it got too close to my skin. Couldn't wait to go back up to my apartment to change.

Then I sort of argued with my mum over what kind of milo packaging to buy and she got really impatient and called me wasting her time and I got really irritated for her not instructing clearly enough.

Later I decided it was just better to shut up and go get the shopping done. Then it would be like nothing happened. So I came back feeling much better after that.

I felt like going out afterwards. Being at home was boring. However I got rejected twice when I asked my friends, first because someone injured himself and could not play badminton or swim, and second because someone else was doing nothing much then but would be doing something much later, which means he is not free.

Spent some hours watching Hannah Montana seat coms at home and planned to go swimming alone at Tampines Sports Complex later that afternoon.

But the sky turned dark. Aw do I really have to go back watching seat coms again? However on my birthday the weather was being good enough to me to put on a bright side sometime after, and so I told my mum that I'ld be going after all because, the sky was not that dark after all.

I took the bus, hoping that my effort of packing my bag and opening the door and walking to the bus stop and waiting for the bus would not be wasted as the ominous clouds behind chased after the bus.

I alighted and as I walked to the Sports complex, it rained. Hooray. However, it was my birthday after all, and thus I had a good feeling about this. Waiting would be a wise choice, I told myself. So I went up the the cafe on the second floor of the sports hall and got myself an overpriced mango milk tea with a debris of chewy, disgustingly sticky pearls at the bottom.

The rain stopped. I went to swim. Although the rain was not coming, I felt scared swimming under the grey clouds with distant thunder, so I moved on to the children/baby pool. I moved to and fro for sometime, depending on which side was darker.

I was then wondering whether I should just pack up and leave, but that would seem like a wasted trip. So I waited.

And the competition pool was finally clear of dark clouds, so I went there to swim with peace.

I have never really tried swimming 50m sprints. I tried quite a few times and got like 40, 45 seconds? It was really tiring and making-you-breathless-y, but one thing I like about swimming over running is that you never sweat. :)

When I reached home, I could say I was very hungry. Strange that I don't feel the hunger until sometime after I get out of the pool. I could have eaten 2 dinners!

Later the evening, my family and I cut a birthday cake. My little brother was bawling because it was my birthday and not my 2nd youngest brothers birthday because theoratically, I, am supposed to be last as I am the oldest. My little brother's birthday was most recent, so 'technically' the second youngest birthday should be next. Woah...

Okay the end I am going to sleep good night!

The Awaking

This holidays, how did I manage to wake up at 7 am almost every weekday morning?

It is due to a method which surprises myself quite considerably.

This plan makes use of the nature of anxiety in humans.

I set the alarm on my handphone to 'Hat dance' to ring at 6:30 am in the morning at top volume, put it in the living room, or somewhere else far from my sleeping quarters.

Not wanting to wake up my whole family and be a potential target of complain, the moment I hear the electronic and ear piercing tune hammer onto my eardrums, I crawl (or roll depending on whether I am sleeping on the bed or floor) out of bed and head for the living room in a quick walk to shut it off.

Usually, this is not the case.

I would wake up, just as many people do, in early morning and start thinking about the time. What is the time now? How more minutes before the the alarm? And I would get a little worried because of the unknown countdown, and would eventually get up to get my handphone.

In both cases, by the time I get the handphone, I am a lot more awake than before. Either that, or the suspense of waiting it to ring would wake me up. I feel hesitant to fall asleep because I do not want to be shocked too badly when it rings. During this time, if I take a short nap again, it would be a lot easier to get out of bed because some of the getting up has already been completed. In a more sensible explanation, it is easier to get up from a short nap than from a long sleep.

Selection of ringtone is an important factor. A ringtone too mild like simple tones playing over and over again would never work. It does not create the suspense that would precede it the more it didn't ring, neither would it shock me when it plays or make me hesitant about falling into a deep sleep again should it ring and jerk me out of bed. Something too aggresive, like the thunderbolt melody I once used, shocks me far too much out of sleep when it blasts and increases my heart rate by quite a bit and suspense of waiting for it to ring is far too killing. Not a very healthy practice for long term implementation.

Another important factor is handphone distance. If I put my handphone just under the bed, I would grab for it frantically when it rings and off it within 2 seconds. And if I wake up before it rings, I would be ready to do the above anytime it rings. This does not help in making me wake up and preventing me from lazing about in bed.

In summary, anxiety preceding the noise wakes me up, not the noise itself. Noise can be blocked off the ears, but feelings are hard to. It's interesting how waking up can turn out to be such a complicated affair.

Outward Bound - Land Expedition

Carrying haversacks, water bottles and tents, we set off for the prelude of our land expedition. Carrying water bottles was the worst, especially if you are already feeling a little feverish.

At least tents were soft. Water bottles were just hard, solid plastic with no other way to carry than using your arms.

After walking for not more than 5 minutes while holding on to one end of the stick of water bottles, fatigue set into my arms. If I could not find a better description, my arms felt some internal vibration that tend to happen to many people when their muscles were overstressed. Shao Hao, however, from the look on his face did not seem to have much problems, although I am not sure of the truth myself. Not wanting to be a 'slacker' or anything, I persisted until someone else volunteered to take over my role.

Perseverance is undoubtfully good, but never be afraid to ask for help as long as you have done your best.

We exchanged our loads many times along the way, and due the the physical stress we were undergoing, we did not have much energy to channel left into thinking 'how much longer'.

And we reached the place in surprising timing. The sun was just about to set.

There was a sort of cheery atmostphere lingering in the air. We started setting up our tents in a short while. The sandy ground by the beach was rock hard, so we used rocks to weight down the flysheet instead of using tent pegs.

We finished setting up our tents and the sun had set. Working in this situation, with dry shoes and on plain, solid ground was an enjoyable task compared to the day we arrived at Punggol Jetty in kayaks.

We set down on a ground sheet and had dinner. Some nice people cooked mixed vegetables and instant noodles for Ananya and me. This meal, though rather plain, was comparatively the best meal we, at least I, had over the past few days due to the good mood and food (Hey that rhymes!).

The headache, mind-depressing thoughts and bad experiences vanished into the night...

The next day, I woke up feeling fresher than the air, although I did not bother setting up a pillow and was lying on hard ground.

***

Land expediton! This was getting quite exciting for me. After a briefing, we knew that we had 5 checkpoints for that expedition.

1) Highest point in Ubin Estate
2) Highest point in Pulau Ubin
3) Creature that is as old as you (rather vague, could refer to one of the many humans students in the vicinity)
4) Goddess of Mercy
5) Some boring plants

And the worst part was that we had to carry everything along. As usual, water contributed the most of the weight.

Our first stop was the highest point in Ubin Estate. I was carrying the water-filled jerry can which wore my arms out even after many short rest stops. The break we had to properly recover was when the girls had to go pee, which took at least 15 minutes.

While the guys did it in less than 3.

Out of the forest we went, and our path was scorched and blinded by the sun. Fortunately, WC asked to take over my load in exchange for a rubbish bag and water bottle. Although I felt a bit bad, that was quite a relief for my arms and that was all they called for.

Once again, we entered the forest, but this time, it was nearly always uphill. As Jun rui our navigator led us into a less travelled path, the incline became even steeper. Cobwebs obstructed and loose soil and logs paved the path.

My arms, feeling less tired now, started to feel quite slackish as my load was at least 3 times lighter than what some people were carrying. The long path led to a sunlit top. On top of the hill was an aviation beacon, where everyone let down the loads and had a good rest.

Roland asked us to form a human modal of an aeroplane for an extra lifeline question. What we formed look nothing like one, but we still got it. We spent quite some time formulating a question. Soon, people started vetting for loopholes in case Roland gave us a stupid answer. Ananya became quite enthusiastic about this, so with credits to him, our question - "Where is our next nearest checkpoint?" became "What are the co-ordinates of the next nearest unvisited or unconciously visited checkpoint on this map?"

***

Next stop, Bukit Puaka, the highest point on Pulau Ubin. We were also told on the way, that weirdly enough we might see the Goddess of Mercy if we were sharp enough. However that was not considered the next nearest checkpoint as it was a 'special' checkpoint.

We went down the hill. Somewhere along the sunlit path, we stopped to eat. My food bag was mostly filled with powdered food or biscuits, which are quite sickening by now.

Nothing much happened after we entered the comfort of the shaded undergrowth. At some point in time, I got a tent bag, which was comparatively good compared to jerry cans as you get to sling those over your shoulders. However, it can get quite stressful to the back after time, unless the haversack is not already torturing your posture.

Some people like Junrui, Karyee and me walked silently in front, while others like Shao Hao were in animated conversation. We trudged past the obs camp and reached a gravel and rock-covered open aired path. To me, this was the hardest kind of path to walk on.

Meifang and I hooked the tent bag through the camping stick and shared the weight of the load with me. Ease for the back, yet stress on shoulder muscles.

We stopped for lunch. Digestive biscuits were the main course. Among the girls, they started talking about Korean celebrities. I tried sinking a fingernail into my biscuit and it exploded. Then it was time to go again.

In that sun, Brandon's pro spf 130 sunblock became a neccessity. As some people have pointed out, my eye region was lighter, yet the rest of the face was sunburnt. It looked funny, and all the more I needed more sunblock.

We were really behind time. Still being at the middle of the island, there was no way we could make it to the east, visit all of the checkpoints, travel back again, and make it in time based on my reckoning.

We came to a proper concrete road. It was a lot easier to walk on compared to the previous ones. We passed some holidays chalets and a drink stall. We ran into a tiny shack which was supposed to be the miniature Goddess of Mercy.

As we walked furthur on, we came across a rock platform with a worshipping altar on it overseeing the water-filled granite quarry. Across it, as mentioned by Roland, was supposed to be a granite carving of the Goddess of Mercy, which I did not see.

Walking furthur on, we took another less travelled path and somewhere along the way I managed to get rid of that weighty tent bag and got my grip on water bottles and the company of a camping stick once again. Admittedly, the snaking path towards the highest point on Pulau Ubin was rocky, yet whether the rocks would give way upon stepping on them would be a good question to ponder about while falling into the abyss of the hills after a wrong step.

Seeing that WC was carrying the jerry can, which was a lot less water-filled than before, and at the same time wanting to repay my debt of having surrendered my jerry can before, I took over. In fact, the jerry can, having a larger base than that pathetic camping stick, gave me a tad lot more support by leaning on them when scaling steeper inclines.

The air was not very fresh. The trees seemed like they have been planted there to rot. Overall, there was a rotting feeling along the path. As we got higher, the feeling gradually subsided as rockiness overtook undergrowth.

After some walking, which took approximately 15 minutes, a surprisingly short time to me considering how far we have trekked to the top of Ubin Estate, we reached the top. I suppose it is because of the steepness of the incline. But that experience of climbing that hill inspired me to go to Bukit Timah Hill someday (yeah I still haven't visited that place)

Comparatively to the path we took, the atmosphere at the top was wonderful, and would be even better had the sun not been shining there at that time. The view was quite good. Below us was the slow rippling azure waters contained between the rocky walls of the granite quarry. The mainland seemed quite small from here though...nothing much to see.

We slacked up there for a really long time. There was not any more time for the rest of the checkpoints. I got the tent bag and we went down the hill. Downhill was just about as hard as uphill. Soon, our navigator lost the way and thus we cut across trees to create our own path out of the stale undergrowth onto the main road.

For a small person like me, carrying the tent bag over long periods can really drain abdominal, quadricep and back strength. With the sling weighing my back down together with the haversack, the tent repeatedly hitting my thighs and leaning on my stomach, stamina can deplete real fast. Without any doubt, I walked slow and no matter how in front of the group I get, I got overtook within 10 minutes and would end up behind.

The trip back was plain, so plain that it seemed like a routine. The distance seemed a lot shorter than when we went for me, because I was tired and was not thinking much. It was just me, my haversack and tent bag, travelling alone with desperate hopes to rejoin the group in front, but my stamina fails me.

Roland played some songs on the way. Songs like top of the world were really encouraging. Old songs were the best. Songs these days are really getting more horrible. The tunes are easily forgettable and all sound the same with the usual chord progressions overpowering the melody. Recently I have started to listen to Chyi Yu's music again like I did when I was really young, and the music is really beautiful and lyrics are well-written. But that's going off topic. The point is, taste of music is deteriorating nowadays.

Like I was saying, I caught up when the group rested, and started lagging to the back. Roland was like drifting between the group and me, making sure I was alright, which I was. However, I felt that my abdominals were really strained from the weight, and it was hard to walk and breathe at the same time.

I could move on, but my steps were getting slower. Soon, I could not have been less than 20 meters away from the last person in the group. I told myself that it did not matter, trying to encourage myself. What matters is that I walk on and do not give up, no matter how slow.

We entered the forest. What made me rather angry was when Jun Rui saw my walking really slowly at the bag and shouted at me to move it. I could not care less about him and continued walking at my own pace and shouted a really loud "sorry" to him. Actually I was not feeling sorry at all, one would be able to hear from my tone.

Eventually after a really hard and slight speeding up, I caught up with some of the people at the back. Once again we hit pebbly and rocky ground which is not easy to balance your footing on. I trudged slowly along and my foot collided with a rock, twisting it to one side, and causing my body to collapse in that direction to avoid twisting my ankle. My already weak legs were unable to give the support my body and load needs in time. Slight scratches, but I was okay. Ananya was nice, he saw the trouble I was having and took over my tent bag.

We walked back to camp 2. It wasn't too far now and it started drizzling.

We reached.

We dropped our load.

Oh man was I glad. My abdominals were still stressed from the previous stress.

The drizzle escalated into a heavy downpour within seconds. With the sun shining onto the open flooded parade square, the water evaporated very fast and the parade square turned into a land of misty wonders. A rare and interesting sight.

My food stores were empty. I felt really hungry. So I went to eat some of Ananya's food. I quickly went to take torturous bath to clean myself.

The water in the bathroom was freezing. It was hard to breathe in the shower with the rushing powerful waters spurting out of the shower hole. It was like air was sucked into that vortex of water. Not wanting to lose even more energy from the cold and possibly faint in the bathroom etc... I got out of the cubicle after a minute.

Feeling a lot more comfortable, I went around borrowing and trading more food, and ate till I felt comfortable once again.

To be continued...