One of the greatest challenges I had through the year, especially in Semester 2, was the chamber recital the music majors had to put after the exams. It was the source of immense stress on and inhibited my concerns for my grades in other subjects. In semester one, we rarely got anything done every week when we met. We would propose many ideas each session, but none of them solidified. Each session would almost end up with the rest watching performances on youtube, and despite how I did not like it as that was the most unfruitful thing that could possibly be done on a meeting, I did not know what to do in order to get us up and start practicing together as a group. It was not until the group of us were severely chided for our unproductivity we started to take a different approach. By then it was already close to the middle of the year, and the paucity of our accomplishments were appalling. We had a lot of catching up to do and that is when I started to feel the weight of it. I realised that the only way we could get things done more efficiently was for us to play from a proper score, so I had to take the initiative to arrange a piece of music for us to try out, whether the rest liked it. The first piece I ‘arranged’ was the Nocturne, hours spent in front of the computer trying to dictate the notes played by each instrument from a recording and entering them into the computer cumbersomely. When we met the first time during the holidays to try it out, we nailed it on the first few tries, and the beginner’s success felt wonderful. Then we moved on the the minuet and other stuff. But a lot more was in the way.
Differing musical tastes led to dissension for the choice of repertoire. I felt rather unhappy when some kept complaining how boring classical music is and that the audience would much prefer it if we played familiar tunes. Sometimes I feel that the obsession with having less classical pieces in a programme in order to captivate an audience has gone too far and tipped the balance to the other extreme. Although I wouldn’t mind if we did not play as many classical pieces, I felt indignant that I was the one sacrificing my time doing all the arranging, and it was easier to just do the talking and not try arranging. Now that I think about it I shouldn’t have got so unhappy over that, but rather tried to talk things through. Communication is of utmost importance when working in a group.
When school reopened, it seemed as if we have almost settled our whole repertoire. What I did not expect, was that the stuff accomplished over the holidays was only less than a third of what was about to come. As we practiced the pieces, we realised that quite a few of them had to be scrapped, and many new pieces had to be added in. with only 2 months left to go, it seemed like we were never going to make it in time, unless we practiced frequently enough. The problem was that everyone of us had varying commitment levels to music. I put music above all my other subjects because it is the subject I take that stands out from the rest, being in math and science school. To me this module is not just a mere enrichment module, as some others have put it. To me it is the essence of being a music major, to make music. We are expected to put up a performance and it is unlike exams in which if we screw up the only thing we will be grades. I felt that we had to live up to the expectation of being a music major. I did not want to run the risk of failing it and disappointing our teacher, much less undermine what others schoolmates expect from us, or maybe even disallowed from continuing music as a track. From this perspective, the only reason why chamber music is designated an enrichment module rather than a core is that it is so crucial that it deserves to be graded more than just by numbers and letter names.
However, it seemed that my teammates were caught up in other aspects of their lives. Some were frequently away from school, some had the constant need to revise for tests and quizzes and others were frequently busy with ARP. I was quite mad that none of them seems to be feeling the urgency and importance that should be given to chamber music, but I had no means of motivating them. The madness turned into hopelessness and I became rather upset that no one was treating this seriously. Maybe now that it is over, perhaps I need to be more understanding of others who aren’t as privileged as I am to be able to put music first on their priorities. There came a point where I could no longer visualise putting up a successful performance. When I had nothing to do, chamber music will creep into my mind and I would feel the urge to make hypothetical plans of practice schedules in a desperate attempt to do something related to chamber music even when the rest are not free to meet.
As the date drew nearer, I found that I started to look at things more openly. Perhaps it is because the burden of schoolwork after exams have been lifted. I started to see potential once again of salvaging this performance, if only we could practice more often now. But once again, the same upset feeling returned when even our post exam schedules could not find much common timeslot for us to practice to meet. I thought, if I could give up studying for my chemistry exam and physics exams, why couldn’t some of us push back their ARP for a week or so; it is only that week till the chamber recital. I got over is soon enough when we got together practicing in the orchestra room. It was one of the few times when we could practice together, chat and make music without having the urgent need to rush off to study for an upcoming test. It was a time when we could focus and savour the present. No matter how different our commitments, abilities and attitudes are, music brings us together because it means something to us. When we sat down and talked, I could feel the bonds between us much stronger after much dissension over the years. I found it reassuring that even after the up and downs of my school year, at least I could feel myself in the presence of people then who remotely cared for me. What a sad person I must have been.
I realised that I was not carrying my attitude I have towards exams to this – there is only so much one can study. In this case, although maximum practice would be ideal, too much of it, especially when we are all enervated from the hassles of school, would not yield much more productivity. I reminded myself that it is okay for us not to be perfect, we are merely high school students trying to put up a performance, it should be fun and not become a chore, which is what I have been treating it as all the year. I never thought that I would miss this ordeal, but as the final days of our practice passed, I thought about how much I would miss chamber music. After all the hard work, it is hard to imagine that everything would be over soon.
When the recital was over, things felt more normal than I expected it to feel. The normality of it all felt strange enough. I expected a huge relieve for myself, or an internal celebration within me, but none of that was present. Frankly, I was a bit disappointed that it had to be over, and also that when it was over I didn’t feel that it wasn’t a big deal, neither did too many others as I had hoped. I really wished I could have more friends I could share my life with.
After this experience, I learnt when democracy is not possible, someone must be there to start telling people what to do. Anarchy will only lead to aimless wanderings and nothing will be done, most probably due to everyone else thinking that someone else is going to take the initiative. Why not let the person be oneself?
I also learnt that we cannot force a fish to learn to climb a tree. Rather than making people who can barely play the violin play the viola just to fill up the parts of a piece, we should employ the merits of a person to maximize efficiency. After much trial and error, we finally managed to come up with a combination of instruments which best suit our abilities. Another instance of forcing a fish to climb a tree is when I tried to make the violin’s and clarinet’s lower register play the bass line. That is flagrantly ineffective and the instruments can be put to much better use instead of playing something that it is not meant for. Considering that most of our instruments are soprano, we should turn this into our advantage by having multiple interactions between melodies and counter melodies, while letting the piano play a heavier role in the bass line.
After the recital there was Grade 8 music theory exam. I didn’t really like the way music theory was taught – too much like the math and sciences. We were never given the chance how the Neapolitan sixth modulations sounded like, or how the augmented chords sound like when played in a progression. Rather, we were told to memorize them. Nevertheless, really thankful to having absolute pitch and the ability to hear the notes in my mind, preferably not more than three lines at the time, learning grade 8 theory was not as hard as I had expected it to be.
Which as a digression, I still find it frustrating how I am unable to compose beautiful melodies without it turning out sounding pop. To me the difference between classical music and pop music is that in classical music, something new lies around each corner, like telling a story, while pop songs are mostly a ride around the merry-go-round.
The final frontier to cross would be the senior recital, considering that our batch has already completed the year 6 music modules this year. That is one of the reasons I am looking forward to next year, and I hope that the experience will be enjoyable. Now being in year 5, I still remember that in year 1, I have already decided that I want to be a music major, and so went up to Dr Wong and told her, who was obviously unable to take me seriously, as would any other person having a child standing 1.4 m go up to him or her telling about his ambitions. But some parts of me haven’t changed at all. I am in a math and science school, and I wanted to be someone more than just scientific logic; I wanted to be a balanced individual and take something else on the other extreme of the spectrum. More importantly, music was part of my childhood and is still part of me. I love it and want to play it for others to listen, and whether I play it good or bad, I wanted to make that effort.
I did not always feel that way though. There were times this year where the stress was so intense that I started to doubt my choice in having taken music as a major, but I’m glad that I ploughed through chamber music and did not give up on music. It is also this year that I finally started to enjoy practicing my violin. It all owes to my experience taking the diploma exam for violin. I knew had to stop playing through my pieces and focus more on small segments if I wanted to improve. I started to take it slow, and it is through this I manage to feel the mellifluous vibrations of the string reach into me; I realised that even single notes, played unwaveringly, with care put into feeling the vibration of the whole individual as an instrument, can make the most beautiful music…It was the reason I have disliked practicing the violin all these years, I played so fast and hastily all along that I did not take time to feel the music. To practice means just more than to play the notes, it means to play them such that every single one is music. I find my own definition of music I formulated in class staring right back at me – music is only there if there is intention to make music.
Not only do I feel that I have learnt how to make music better, I also feel like I enjoy listening to it even more now. Many times this year, when my mood was in the pits, I listened to music, not happy music in an attempt to lift my spirits, but to let it cry along with me, or what ever emotion I was feeling. Like I have said I dislike having to made to feel some other emotion that I am not feeling. So, I let music embrace it, rather than to counter it. And sometimes when I listen to certain pieces, memories are invoked, and whether happy or sad, those memories are missed by me…
To be continued…
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