Ever since I moved into boarding, I never found time to write. That is mainly because I did not want to find time to write, as I thought that it was a pain to do so, a feeling rather freshly encountered. To a bystander, living in hostel should have ameliorated my life, with an astronomical reduction in travelling time and more time to spend with friends; however it had only done so less than I expected.
Before I entered boarding, school life and home life were pretty detached. I wake up in the morning, prepare for school, fall asleep in the MRT and when I wake up, I enter into a whole new realm. Not anymore; I feel like I have became a full time student, and the burden of having to cope with so many aspects of my life in such a scholastic environment upsets my sanity.
It started all well at first, but that is easy for many. The hard thing is to sustain one's energy and keep their morale throughout 6 months. I started becoming more messy over time and there were nights when I started sleeping without a mattress cover. I stopped running in mornings, and I stopped drinking water regularly. I couldn't be bothered to replace my drinking cups. Then I stopped sleeping early, and stayed up into dawns to complete work that should have been done with the time I spent wondering how I should spend the time. And I started doing badly (by my standards at least) for tests, and got kicked out of Chem O this semester (Along with many others of course, who didn't hit the mark)
I decided that I want to be in top form in the imminent semester. I have decided such things many times already. "Next semester, I'm going to do my best in every subject" "Next semester, I'm going to run every day" But none of it worked. It is only after the semester is ending, I see how much I have slackened and how much more I could have achieved. And then I become determined again and the cyclic process continues.
But something is different this semester. It is the busiest one I am about to encounter. I will have my violin to practice, so many math and science modules to handle, my music course, attachment project at DSO and my regular consumption and not to mention production of English essays. Hopefully, this additional stress will make a difference in me by warning me that there is definitely no time to slack off this semester. I want to unleash my true prowess and show myself (and perhaps others)what I'm capable of.
To come back to the topic of why I find writing a pain; before boarding, I found writing as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings, so that I can better organize them. However, due to reasons that cannot be expressed laconically within this phrase, and will thus be put off into a later post probably at the end of the year, thoughts alone, without being penned down, overwhelm me. I can't even control the maelstorm of unchained ideas and fragmented thoughts within my mind, let alone pen them down. With the complexities of having to juggle and manipulate the unique, yet intertwining aspects of my life, from my academics, musical practice, daily life and not to mention relationships (important note here), there is little brainpower left for me to allow words flow across the page.
That is why writing has turned into a pain. I will have to upgrade my personal RAM first.
I hope by the end of boarding, I will be able to get my mind to think straighter, and conjure a full fledged account of all the things I have always been wanting to mention.
Coming out of boarding during this holiday has allowed me to change my paradigm of many things. I realised that in the hostel, there is this ubiquitous feeling of imprisonment, which leads to depression, but its not immediately apparent. Like a hocrux, or for non Harry Potter readers, a malignant tumour, or a frog in boiling water, residing within and gradually devouring one, without one noticing at all until one feels the extreme difference by escaping from that place.
Whenever I can, I would like to go have a run from school to commonwealth for dinner. I get exercise, time away from that hocrux of a boarding school (elaboration in my year end post), and better food. Three birds with one stone!
By the way, I am considering whether to appeal for chem o. It might be too much for me to handle, but to think of giving up of an opportunity to learn more feels like a waste. And there is also the factor of seeing some people too often.
No comments:
Post a Comment